Jun 15, 2013

The (Real) Hunger Games

Everyone knows that the homeless people menace has become a problem. You can't go anywhere without some one asking for food. If you are like me, you have no conscious and struggle on a daily basis with thoughts of just running them over. Well, I found the solution and it will do two things for you. One, it will make people think you care about the homeless. Secondly you will still be able to display your hatred for the homeless. Here's what you do.

1)Buy a jar of peanut butter.
2)Give the jar of peanut butter to a homeless person.
3)Make sure there are no beverages for the homeless person.
Now you might be thinking to yourself, "Wow, that's fucked up." to which I will respond with "I know, it's great isn't it?"
5) Wait

This is when the games begin. How hungry is the homeless person? Hungry enough to eat peanut butter with no drink? How much will they eat before realizing it's impossible to eat a lot of peanut butter without something to drink. I don't know about you but I can eat two spoonfuls before I have to take a drink. And I don't mean two tiny little girly spoon fulls, I mean two man sized peanut butter falling off the spoon, peanut butter mountain spoonfuls. So the homeless person has a big decision to make. Either eat the peanut butter, not eat the peanut butter, or stab you with a dull rusty knife. Let the games begin!

Want to tell me how fucked up I am? Come at me (on twitter @DeRexBowles) bro! And remember, if you don't have anything nice to say don't say it all. Or post it in the comments below.

Jun 11, 2013

What if George R.R. Martin..

I'm a huge fan of the TV show Game of Thrones but the author of the books, George R.R. Martin is a real dick some times. Anyone who has two middle names is already probably a sick freak already, but GRRM takes it too new levels. Which is why I love him so much. Because I'm already going through withdrawals (don't tell me to read the books) I decided to imagine what GRRM would be like in other professions. This time, a doctor.

George R. R. Martin, M.D.

A family gathers in the waiting room of a hospital. A man paces back and forth in front of his three children who can feel something is amiss but don't quite understand what is going on. An elder couple sit quietly grasping each others hands, a worrisome look on their face. Suddenly they see the doctor, Dr. George R. R. Martin. The pacing man stops and looks his way. The doctors face is emotionless.

"Please doctor! Is she going to be okay!" The man pleas.

The doctor takes a heavy breath and adjusts his glasses.
"Mr. Reynolds. The surgery was a success."

A wave of relief washes through the room. The old man brings his wife's hand to his lips and gives it a kiss. His eyes begin to tear up. The elder woman begins to cry, and buries her head into her husbands shoulder. These are tears of elation. The ordeal is over, their daughter alive. The children pick up on the emotion look confused first, but that turns into joy as they see their fathers morbid grimace fade and a smile appear. The smallest child, who looks to be about four begins to dance. Laughter erupts, the old couple on their feet now dancing with the young child. Today is a great day.

"Thank you doctor! When can we see her? When can I see my daughter!" The elder man asks gleefully.

".. Well there was a complication." The doctor says coldly.

The energy and joy of the room is suddenly replaced with a palpable tension. The young child still dancing, not picking up on what has just occurred continues to laugh. The young girl notices that her grandparents are no longer dancing, and looks around. Even though she doesn't understand the situation she can feel the tension herself and stops dancing.

"What.. What is it?!?" The husband squeals. His face back to a somber sadness.

"The surgery went fine, yes. But.."

"What!! Spit it out!!" The old man shrills.

"Well... I lit her on fire."

"What?!?!?!?!?!?" They yell in unison.

"Yes.. While she was recovering.. I set her on fire. She was burned alive. Quite terribly actually. You should have heard her screams. They were.." A sly smile creeps across his face "Wonderful."

The man becomes enraged, and tries to yell but words escape him. The old lady falls to the floor grasping her heart.

"Some one get a doctor! She's having a heart attack! She's all I got left!!" Terror fills his face. As he scans the room he notices no one is moving to help. "What are you all standing around for!! Some one help!"

The doctor makes his way to the woman. He bends down and checks her pulse.

"I'm afraid she's dead." The doctor mutters.

Tears begin to roll down the old mans face. The once happy family now distraught and full of chaos.

"There's more. Mr. Reynolds... You have throat cancer. You will probably die in a few weeks. We can't let you raise children in this condition either. So we have sold your children to a gold mine in Nigeria where they will most likely be raped, tortured, and starved. They might live, but I doubt it. You can only hope for them to have a swift death. But again, probably not. They will be worked to death and given just enough medical care to keep them alive enough to mine."

And that is George R. R. Martin as a doctor.

Let me know what you think on twitter @DeRexBowles and as always feel free to comment below.

OMYSBW: Freaked (1993)

I will be revisiting a classic movie from my childhood today. Freaked. Before I go any further let me put the synopsis for you.

From Yahoo!Movies:

" A spoiled young actor of the Brat Pack generation signs on as the celebrity spokesman for Noxon, a gene-altering chemical fertilizer marketed only in Third World countries. During a subsequent junket to South America to promote the product, he falls into the hands of a mad alchemist who transforms the actor into hideous freak and places him on display in a carnival sideshow."

I know what you're thinking, and yes the movie IS as good as it sounds.  I have always remembered this movie but could never remember the name of it. By mere coincidence the director Alex Winter, happened to be on one of the podcasts I listen to (The Nerdist) and the movie was mentioned. How lucky is that?!

So, go track down this movie and watch it! You most likely won't regret it.

Jun 1, 2013


“Are you paralyzed with fear? That’s a good sign. Fear is good. Like self-doubt, fear is an indicator. Fear tells us what we have to do. Remember one rule of thumb: the more scared we are of a work or calling, the more sure we can be that we have to do it.”  Stephen Pressfield

I recently revisited a great book by Stephen Pressfield called "The War of Art" and in this book he talks about ways to overcome "resistance" or excuses, and rationalizations of why we shouldn't do something. My main problem is procrastination. I've been attempting to do stand up at an open mic one of the bars here has every month and every month I keep saying "there's always next time."

 I reread the book and the quote at the top really spoke to me. Fear, was preventing me from going on stage. Not because I'm afraid of talking into a mic in front of people, but the self doubt of "is my material good enough?" If I didn't care so much about comedy would I be as afraid? I'm not saying that I'll be a great stand up comedian, and I've come to accept that I will most likely spend many many years bombing before I become competent if I ever do. But I must do it. Why? Because it is the most terrifying thing I can imagine.

I haven't gone on stage yet. Mainly because the open mic night is only once a month, and there are no comedy clubs nearby. More excuses? More fear? Absolutely. The difference is my mentality.

 "you don't know my mentality bro! I can't lose because of my mentality! You don't know my mentality!"

I no longer view fear as an enemy but as a friend. We are no longer listed as "it's complicated" on facebook. And whether or not I succeed, I will be able to say I gave it my best shot. 

As always you can find me on Twitter @DeRexBowles, and feel free to tell me how much you love me. It's okay I understand.  And feel free to pop down to the comments below and share your own experiences.

May 29, 2013

Animal Lovers

Have you ever asked someone if they like animals? Have they ever responded with "I love animals!" but when you start asking them which animals they love the list is surprisingly short? Well, I recently had a conversation with someone who said just that. Her name was Samantha, or as I know her as, a dirty liar.

"So uhh, you like animals?"


"Yes! I love animals! Cats, dogs, horses! All of them. Except for fish. Fish are weird. And really only some dogs. Not big dogs, but like small ones."

"Oh that's cool. So you like snakes then?"

"No, not really. They are just so slimy looking."

"What about birds?"

"Oh my gosh no! They are so creepy!"

"... So your not an animal lover then..."

"No I love animals!"

"No... You love some animals... Just because you have sixteen cats and a goldfish doesn't mean you love animals."


And I wonder why I'm single...

May 25, 2013

Say my name

The other day I was hanging out with some friends when someone I didn't know came over and introduced himself to me and asked me what my was. I know what you are thinking, and trust me this story does go somewhere. To make a short boring story slightly shorter and more entertaining; I couldn't remember my name for a good three seconds.

Have you ever noticed that when you are unexpectedly asked for your name you usually say "Uhhh ." With the the "uhh" you are basically saying "Good question sir, let me take a few seconds to mull over this question and I will get back to you post haste." I can't speak for you, but when I talk in my head I typically sound like a terrible background actor from Game Of Thrones. Cheerio! But because I realize how stupid I look when I can't remember my name I have devised a fool proof way of not only preventing me looking like an idiot, but also making the person asking me feel stupid. 

"I'm Tom by the way, what's your name?"

"Uhh... Derek, aka the person who's house you are currently in?" Make sure to give him a look that says "dumbass"

Typically they respond along similiar lines of "Oh damn! I didn't know! My bad bro!"

Also don't be concerned with facts. As long as the guy/girl doesn't live at the house themselves this will work.

You're welcome.

As always if you want to tell me how stupid this way or that I suck leave a comment below or follow me on twitter @DeRexBowles where I will make your eyes bleed with my inner most thoughts and feelings. 

May 22, 2013

Grocery Store

Without going in to details (which may be coming in another post later on) let's just say I have been without a debit card, and the only way I have to pay for things I need, such as groceries, have been checks. Because I'm not 80 years old I don't know if places accept checks or not, and because it's easier to go to the checkout and be told they don't accept checks and be told to put my things back than it is to ask beforehand; I decided to live on the edge and fill my cart up. I'm not one of those people, and you know who you are, that go down every isle with your little list so you don't forget anything. No I just pick up what's on sale and hope for the best. I've been to the store for paper towels 3 times this week and still don't have any paper towels.

So after pretending like I know what I'm looking for in meat, and loudly declaring "This meat is no good! Why the marbling in these steaks is horrible!" mind you, I was holding pork chops. Needless to say, my parents would be proud. I then proceeded to make laps around the same isles because I kept throwing stuff in and then thinking "I don't really want this" and "Actually I should get that" it was time to head to cashier and see if I could write a check.Wait, I'm getting ahead of myself. If you have a child and bring that child to the store and said child is crying it should be a law that anyone at the store can walk by that child and slap them in the face. Shit's ridiculous. Obviously I'm hungover and can't plan well which is why I'm at the store at 10 am on a Saturday ma'am. The least you can do is keep your living alarm clock from screaming in my face in a public place and if you can't I should have the right to slap him or her.

So I'm in line to check out, with a check. They start scanning items, and because I wasn't sure if they accepted checks I brought my gun. Kind of an important fact and looking back I should have probably started off with that. So they are scanning my items, and about half way through I ask them if I can write a check, when I am rudely interrupted by the 40 year old bag lady. "Do you want your milk in a bag?" to which I respond with "What kind of stupid question is that? Of course I want my motha fuckin milk in a motha fuckin bag ! I said plastic is fine bitch! I forgot my plus card can you please look it up?" which seems a bit excessive but you weren't there and she asked the question in a very "Fuck you and your milk" way. Clearly my response was warranted but they didn't see it that way and I was asked to leave and never come back.

Also some unrelated and related thoughts about groceries stores that I am too lazy to go back and insert into the story.
* It's always awkward when the bag lady asks if I want help out to my car. Mainly because I just stare at them for awhile and say, yes but can you hold on, I need to go buy some duct tape.

*Have you ever been shocked by the milk door? It's  probably one of the most embarrassing things ever.

*Why is it that when ever you can't afford an item or items, they always ask you if you want the item. No I don't want the item, I just put it in my cart because I wanted to have everyone else in the store stare at me, and think "wow this guy is poor." They might as well just go on the loud speaker and say "We have a broke guy trying to buy food. Come to register 3 to point and laugh at him and make him feel like even more of a loser."

* You might notice some changes in the posts I put up. There will probably be a lot more shorter thoughts, and musings as opposed to lengthy posts.

*I still just write and then post it with no editing, if there isn't a red squiggly line then there's nothing wrong with it.

* And as always you can find me on Twitter @DeRexBowles where you can stay up to date with all my ramblings and tell me how much I suck.


Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night and been flooded with a bunch of memories from your life and think "Oh shit, I think I'm dying. This is it,  my life is flashing before my eyes." It's kind of peaceful at first until you realize why you didn't care to remember these in the first place, and that's because they all remind you how fucking shitty your life has been. "Oh there's me eating some Cheetos I dropped on the floor, I bet they were at least 2 weeks old." "Oh yeah, I remember that one time I said I was going to get out of bed and be ambitious but decided to go back to sleep." It's fucking depressing. So I did what any American worth their salt would do, I repressed those memories and watched porn until I fell asleep. The way God intended it. 

As always you can find me on Twitter @DeRexBowles where you can stay up to date with all my ramblings and tell me how much I suck. 


The crosswalks around here have a button that you press and immediately these yellow lights start blinking to let drivers know, "Hey asshole, slow down I'm trying to cross the street." Usually when you hit this button, you pause to make sure that oncoming traffic stops, and  you make eye contact with the driver and give a little wave to say "Thanks for not running me over and possibly killing me." You then go on way your way and this social interaction is over. The other day however, that did not happen. I'm driving home, and I see a guy walking down the side walk, is he going to try to cross the street? I can't tell, usually when you cross the street you check over your shoulder to see if there is a car coming. This guy did not do that. What did he do? He hit the button and walked across. He didn't stop to see if there was a car coming, he didn't wave, he didn't even look up. He just hit the button and decided to put his well being in the hands of a complete stranger. He has no idea what my mental state is. I could have been on my phone tweeting to my 16 followers about how I feel like chipotle has  been going down hill or taking a selfie for instagram. But he didn't even look up. I could have just broken up with my girlfriend and been a rage and just said fuck it. Who does this guy think he is? I'm going to fucking run him over because I'm mentally unstable and I learned how to drive by playing grand theft auto, and I'm pretty sure this would only get me one star. Or maybe I'm just fucking crazy and this asshole is what sets me off into a murderous rampage. The cops would come and ask why I didn't stop and all I'd be able to say is "well he didn't fucking look up or wave."

Related note, if you don't press the button at all and you get hit it's your own fault. If you can't take the second to press the button you deserve to become roadkill and I shouldn't be responsible.

As always you can find me on Twitter @DeRexBowles where you can stay up to date with all my ramblings and tell me how much I suck.
The Mind of Derek Bowles