Dec 3, 2009

The Ghost of Turkeys Past Act 4&5

I'm a little late on delivering this one, my bad.

Act 1
Act 2

Act 3

"*Yawn* Oh man, it's getting late. I hope this next ghost hurries up."
The clock rang two A.M.

"Hmmm, it should be here by now."

gobble gobble

"What was that?"

Gobble, gobble, gobble

"What in the he..."

"Gobble gobble gobble!!!" an angry turkey said right in Tiberius' face.



"A turkey? Really?"

"Get away from him you freak!" some one said suddenly.

"Huh? Who's there!"

"It is I!" the spirit boomed.

"I who?" Tiberius asked.

"I! The spirit of Turkeys Present!"

"What's with the turkey?"

"That is the spirit of Turkeys Future!"


"Why did you come together?"

"Because we couldn't risk letting you be alone with a turkey."

"I was.."

"Quiet! We have decided to murder you for your crimes against turkeys."

"Murder me!"

"Gobble gobble!"

"It sounds to me like your boss is out of ideas, if you ask me." Tiberius boldly (and incorrectly) stated.

"Silence!" the Spirit said becoming more agitated.

"No seriously. Two spirits in one go? Murdering me. Some one needs to take a class. Killing some one off at the..."


"Come on Mr. Gobbles. Our Job is done here."


The end or is it...

Three days later

"What do we have here?"

"Looks like murder."

"Looks like his turkey stuffed him." the man says while he puts sunglasses on.

For the full the effect play the video, right after reading the last line above!

Nov 24, 2009

The Ghost of Turkeys Past Act 3

Act 1
Act 2

Mr. Yam spent the next 40 minutes trying to disprove, and rationalize that what he just saw had to have been a bad acid trip (he is a musician you know).

"This can't be real, ghosts don't exist." he explained to himself.

Bzzzz, bzzzz, bzzzz.

"WHAT THE HELL!!!!" he screamed. "Oh, it's just a text message."

Mr. Yam, took his phone and read the message.

LOLZ! ghsts r real! Look bhnd u! LOLZ!

"Look behind me..." Mr. Yam began to turn around. "What in the, Ahhhhhhh!!!!!"

"Like, dude, why are you freaking out?" the ghost said with an attitude.


"*sigh* Seriously, like grow up. Didn't you get my text?"

"Ahhhhhhhhheeey. You are kind of hot." Mr. Yam said as he noticed the spirit was a 23 year old, busty blond, slightly translucent.

"Like, let's just get this over with. I am the Ghost of Turkeys Past." she said impatiently.

"What? Turkeys Past?"

"Helloooooo, that is what I just said. Try to like follow along."

"Uhh, you know that you are naked... right?" Mr. Yam said nervously.

"What? Have you never seen a woman's body before?"

"Well yeah, but uhh, not one with such, uhh, ummm..."

"Big tits?"


"Well are you going to just stare at them all day? Or can I continue?"

"Oh uh, sure. Contitue. I mean, yes, go on."

"Ok." The spirit grabs Mr. Yams hands, and places them upon her breasts. "Hold on." Mr. Yam gladly obliges.

The spirit and Mr. Yam were suddenly outside, standing in front of a small farm.

"I recognize this place. This is where I was raised! Mom and Pa's turkey farm!" Mr. Yam exclaimed.

"Wow, what a dump." the spirit laughed.

"Hey! This is my childhood home you are talking about!" Mr. yam said in anger.

" Hey this is my childhood home you are talking about!" the spirit mocked. "It's still a dump."

"Look, there's mom! Mooooooommmm!!!!"

"She can't..."


"She can't hear..."


"For the love of..."


"SHUT THE HELL UP SHE CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!!!" the spirit yelled.

"What? She's right there!" Tiberius protested.

"Yes, but we are not among the living. Think of this like a movie."

"So she can't hear me?"

"Bingo Einstein."

The two walked around the farm, and for some reason Tiberius still thought that people could hear him. They walked to a small red barn.

"Do you know what this is?" the spirit asked.

"Yes, this is the barn, where we kept the turkeys."

"Do you know why we are here?"

"Isn't that why you are here?"

"I guess."

They go through the door, and what the spirit see's makes her scream.

"Ewwww gross!!!!"


"What is wrong with you!!!!"


"What are you doing to that turkey!!!"

"......" Tiberius is becoming noticeably embarrassed.

"Ok, this is just sick. We are leaving." She grabs his hands, and once again they vanish. They reappear in Tiberius' room.

"I can explain! I was young! I loved that turkey!" Tiberius frantically spouted out.

"I'm like leaving. You are a pervy old man."

And then she was gone. Tiberius sat on his bed, and looked at the clock. "One thirty four. This is going to be a long night."

Nov 18, 2009

The Ghost of Turkeys Past Act 2

Act 1

Mr Yam was prepared for bed, (I don't think I need to include what he did. Let's just say a shower, and more.) and a half step away from his bed when he heard a thunderous knock. Mr. Yam murmured under his breath "Who the expletive is at my door? I bet it is that bitch of a wife of mine." he laughed. "I knew you would be back!" he shouted with glee, as he started walking to the door. But to his surprise it was not.

"Who the hell are you?" Mr. Yam asked.

"I'm Keith, from accounting."

"Uhh... And why are you here?"

"Oh, yeah. I have message for you."

"From who? My wife I bet!"

"I don't know man. I was trying to score some crack and some guy asked if I wanted to make five bucks."

"Oh? And what was his message?"

"Oh yeah right. *clears throat* 'Hear me!' cried the Ghost. 'My time is nearly gone.'"

"Uhhh what are you talking about?"

"Dude. Shut up. I'm telling it like he told me to tell it."

"Alright fine, just get on with it."

"Anyway! As I was saying. *clears throat* 'I am here tonight to warn you, that you have yet a chance and hope of escaping my fate. A chance and hope of my procuring, Mr. Yam.'"

"This sounds oddly familiar..."

"You will be haunted, by three spirits!"

"Wait a minute... This sounds a lot like A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens" Mr. Yam stated.

"Seriously man. This would take literally two minutes if you would just shut up."

"Fine fine, go on."

"You know what. You aren't taking this seriously so I'm giving you the cliff notes. First ghost will come at one when the bell tolls, the second will be an hour after that, and the last an hour after that."

"In A Christmas Carol his ghosts were spread over three days." Mr. Yam said snidely.

"'In A Christmas Carol his ghosts were spread over three days'" Keith mocked. "Look dude, I was just doing this for the 20 bucks. So if you have problem take it up with some one else."

"Words hurt... Words hurt."

"Whatever. I have a hooker and twenty four pack waiting for me. I'm leaving. Good luck with whatever."

Mr. Yam shut the door and started laughing. "I wonder who put him up to that." He looked at the clock "Well it's 12:20 so I guess I'll find out" he said under his breath.

Nov 17, 2009

The Ghost of Turkeys Past Act 1

As we approach our favorite holiday stretch, I have decided to tell the tale of Turkey's who didn't make it. You all have heard the story of Scrooge and his ghosts right? Well this is nothing like that.

This tell of tales begins in the small village of Stuffing, Turkey. It was Turkey Day Eve, and Mr. Yam, and his new Wife Cindy Yam, were sitting down for their first Turkey Day Eve together. You see Mr. Yam was an immigrant of Hungry, and he had not yet known the feast that is Turkey Day. Mr. Yam was a respected flutist, and Mrs. Yam a raiser of cocks (roosters you pervs). Not much is known of Mr. Yam but the village gladly accepted him as one of their own. Not to mention he rode in with a cart of gold.

As the couple was discussing the plan for tomorrow a knock was heard at the door.

*knock knock*
"Hello?" the man at the door squeaked.

"Honey be a dear and go get the door." said Mr. Yam.

"Why do I always have to get the door? I have been raising cocks all day while you were in the room playing with your flute!" shouted Mrs. Yam.

"Flute playing is hard work! Any idiot can raise cocks!"

"How dare you!"

"How dare I? How dare I!?"

"Uhhh, hello? I'm still at the door..." the man at the door said.

"SHUT UP!" the Yams yelled in unison.

"You make me do everything! Raise the cocks, cook, clean, and what do you do? You play your flute all day!" Mrs. Yam nagged.

"If you don't like it leave!" Mr. Yam shouted.

"I think I'm going to go..." the man at the door muttered.

"See look at what you did! You made our guest leave!" Mr. Yam noted.

"Me? I made him leave? I don't think so!"

"Make like a tree, and get the fuck out." Mr. Yam cleverly said.

"Why I never!" Mrs. Yam screeched while storming off.

"I'll help you pack you ungrateful harlot!"

Mrs. Yam, grabbed her cocks and left the house.

"About damn time she left" Mr. Yam mumbled. "Now I can play my flute in peace." And he did just that. He played his flute 4 times that night. Exhausted from his strenuous flute playing Mr. Yam decided to go to sleep.

Sep 29, 2009

How to spot a ghost

Want to see a ghost? Well, this how to guide will ensure that you spot one! Just follow these easy steps and get ready for a ghostly encounter. *warning, results may vary. Not everyone will see a ghost.

Step 1:

Buy a really expensive camera, but do not learn how to use any of the settings. Trust me, ghosts avoid good photographers. Also recommended, but not required is a digital audio recorder.

Step 2:

Go into a really dusty area, and start stomping, and kicking things. It makes the ghosts mad. Take pictures while doing this.

Step 3:

Now is a good time to turn on your DAR. Ghosts talk at a frequency that humans can't hear, but the DAR can. So start asking questions. Here are some sample questions to help the process,

"Is anyone here?"
"Can you move an object?"
"Can you touch me?"

Alright, I think you get the jist of things.

Step 5:

Over react to everything. Do you hear something tapping the window? Well, by golly you need to jump up and scream. BUT DO NOT GO TOWARDS THE NOISE! I repeat DO NOT GO TOWARDS THE NOISE. Ghosts are very perceptive and know when some one is coming. So just stay where you are and scream. See a shadow down the hall? Don't try to figure out what is causing it, run!

Step 6:

Ok, step six is the step where you catch your breath, and let your vocal cords rest. You have been running and screaming all night so you need this.

Step 7:

This is a tricky step, in this step you need to include the first 2 through 5. So walk around taking pictures, asking questions, and over reacting to everything. Now here is the tricky part. You must, must, must, start saying "What was that?" over and over even if you are by yourself. "What was that?" is like a mating call for the ghosts, and they will be unable to resist you if you say it.

Now it's time to review your evidence, and I have some pictures that will help decide if it is in fact a ghost.

As you can see, there are a lot of ghosts out there. And by following my guide you too can see some!

Jul 26, 2009

How to spot a ....

Construction worker.

In this post I will lay out some sure fire ways to spot a construction worker.

1) If there is a tape measure present, a construction worker will pick it up, and begin to talk with it. He will measure air, at various distances, and look very professional measuring nothing. The longer the tape becomes, the more emphasis he is showing. However the shorter it is, the less confident he becomes.

2) They cus. It doesn't matter at what, or when. You need examples, I know, so here are some.
- "Good fucking morning"
- "What the fuck is this mother fucking bullshit, fucking doing here? Fucking dumbasss. I can't believe this bullshit."
- "I'm so fucking happy this fucking day is fucking over."
-"This is bullshit!"
*fuck is the choice word.

3) When a woman walks by he immediately says something like "hey there hot momma".

4) Hates his job.

5) Is more than likely a complete idiot. (foremen and supervisors excluded).

With these 5 signs you too will know how to spot a construction worker.

May 18, 2009


I have a theory... And I will use cleverly placed pictures to help describe it.

The cuter the animal

The better they taste.

All images are result of Yahoo Image search. I don't know the sites they originate from, but if they are yours, thank you.

May 9, 2009

How not to order chipolte

Yesterday I was pretty hungry. I wanted a burrito. My roommate (G44.5) has been locked in his room for the past week, and he was planning on getting drunk (and succeeded) but I convinced him to come with me. I am glad he did. We get to Chipotle, and fortunately there is no line, but as usual they have the music so loud it's hard to hear but that is no excuse for what happened.

Girl: "Welcome to Chipotle, what can I get you?"
G44.5: "Uhh, let me get a bread bowl."
Girl: "You mean a burrito bowl?"

G44.5 blank stare for about 3 seconds
G44.5:" I mean a burrito bowl."
Girl: "What kind of beans and meat?"
G44.5: "What?"
Girl: "What kind of beans and meat?"
G44.5: "Oh, uhh let me get black beans."
Girl: "What kind of meat."
G44.5 looks at me and starts laughing.
G44.5:" I'm sorry what?"
Girl: "What kind of meat?"
G44.5 looks at me and starts laughing again.
G44.5: "Uh, let me get chicken."

He told me he didn't do the same thing for the sauces but I'm still not sure. Now He wasn't drunk, he had a beer. He claimed that he was brain dead from studying for a week straight and then taking a test. I'm not sure whether I believe him or not, but it did provide for an entertaining five minutes.
The Mind of Derek Bowles