Jan 28, 2010

Beautiful Mind

I present to you, for the first time ever. A Derek Bowles Original.

Beautiful Mind

Girl, I just wanted you to know.
Your face looks like it was sent through a cheese grater,
Your body looks like a lump of butter,
But none of that matters girl,
Because your mind your mind looks like Angelina,
That one girl from Princess Diaries (yeah that's right. I watched Princess Diaries, and I think I liked it), and Hillary Clinton combined!

I want to fuck your mind,
Yeah yeah, yeah girl,
I want to fuck your mind

I don't care that you look like the Michelin man,
I just want to get inside your mind!
(uhh... yeah... nice and slow girl...)
Your legs look like an elephant,
Your arms flap faster than a bird,
But none of that matters girl,

I wanna fuck your mind baby!
I want to take it out to dinner, and pretend I'm interested,
Then I want to take it home,
Pour it some wine,
Take off your skull,
And fuck it til the break of dawn, Baby!

Hot tub (yeah)
Laundry room, (yeah, yeah)
Bathroom, (oh yeah, baby)
Your moms bed, (girl I want your mind)
On the elevator, (In front of three people)* starts fading out about here
In the monkey cage at the zoo (While the monkeys throw poo)
On top of a whale, ( Yea.. What? Really on top of a whale?)
On top of a whale, ( That's kind of weird)
While riding a horse (Now you are just saying stuff)

©Derek Bowles 2010

Jan 21, 2010

How to: Find Bigfoot

In this in installment of How To with Derek, I am going to how to find Bigfoot! Yes that's that right, the legendary Bigfoot.

What you will need:
If you followed my How to: Spot a ghost post you should already have a really expensive camera. If you don't, go buy one, but again, do not learn how to use it. Bigfoot also shy's away from good photographers. In addition to the camera, that digital audio recorder you got will come in handy.

Now for the new stuff. You will need a log. Big enough to make a lot of noise, but not big enough that you can't get a good swing.

A meter stick, or one of those string ruler things.

With these basics you will be able to find Bigfoot in no time!
*Warning, you may not find Bigfoot.

Alright! It's time to find some Bigfoot!

Step 1:

Go to the Pacific Northwest. You may be asking yourself,
"Okay, but where at in the Pacific Northwest?"
Easy, the Pacific Northwest.

Step 2:

Go far enough from the road that you can't see the road, but not far enough into the woods that you get lost. This is base camp. While here, do an equipment check. Everything working? Batteries all charged? Good. Now you need to drain those batteries a little. And by a little, I mean after five pictures the camera needs to turn off (this is vital!), and after only minutes the audio recorder will turn off.
Also, if you forgot your log (silly you!) there is a good chance you can find one. Oh look! There's one right there!

(photo jacked from flickr guy inF! )

Step 3:

Ok, now it's time to really look for him. Your best bet is tracks. Look for footprints. And remember that ruler you got? Well, it's time to measure some footprints!

Who says Bigfoot doesn't like the beach?

Step 4:

Ok, now this is where things start getting intense. You have followed the trail! And this time you aren't just following your own tracks! Oh wait? What was that? TAKE A PICTURE!!!! Oh, it was just your buddy. Ok back to business. Take your stick/log and start hitting tree's. Just whack the shit out of it a couple of times, and then listen. Did you get a response? No? Well try some more. If you hear some knocks in the distance (and you are sure it's not the echo this time). Run towards it.

You should be close to Bigfoot now (assuming you followed this correctly).

*Warning, you are probably no where near Bigfoot.

Step 5:

Take out your camera, and audio recorder. Turn them on and when you see something moving start taking pictures. What's this? You didn't drain your battery? Shame on you! Oh well, just keep taking pictures.

Step 6:

You saw movement in the distance? Chase after it! Run as fast as you can! But remember to keep taking pictures! Oh... so close. Ok, well it's time to go home and review the evidence.

Step 7:

Evidence review.

Listen to your audio. Did you hear knocking? No? Just a bunch of panting? Well darn.

Pictures! Let's see what you got.

Ohh pretty.

How did you manage that shot?!

Hmm... Well it appears you didn't catch Bigfoot, this time. Maybe next time?
What? You have one more photo? Ok... let me see it.

OMG! You did it! You found Bigfoot! Congratulations!!!!
The Mind of Derek Bowles