Jul 12, 2010

Rated FF for Family Friendly

I have been informed that some of my posts aren't family friendly. So to reach new audiences I have wrote a childrens song.

It is called, Recess Time. Or something like that.

Hey there boys and girls!
Hi DeRex!
Are You ready to hear a song?

It was recess time,
He saw her on the swing,
She looked so pretty,
It was love at first sight,
So he pushed her in mud,

And do you know what he did next boys and girls?
No what?

He said,
Eat this mud booger brain,
Or else I'll bring the pain,

And do yo know what happened next?
Tell us! Tell us!

She yelled,
You caught my cooties,
When you touched my booties,
Now run away before I lick your face.


So johnny ran,
he ran away,
until he remembered this,
He circle circle,
dot, dot,
had his cootie shot,


He marched back to her,
She would eat the mud,
and be his new girlfriend,
But just then,
The whistle blew,
And poor ol Johnny knew,

He would have to wait,
For his,

Apr 4, 2010

Happy Easter

This is a song, dedicated to Easter.

You gave yourself for our sins,
Those Jews sure did you in,
You told us you would rise again,
And you did!
Zombie Jesus!

I know we shouldn't hide,
You promise us with eternal life,
But no, I won't put down this knife!

Zombie Jesus,
Coming back from the dead,
Zombie Jesus,
Stay away from my head,
Zombie Jesus,
Why won't you stay dead?!?

I saw you die,
With my one good eye,
I didn't believe you when you said you can fly!

Zombie Jesus,
Coming back from the dead,
Zombie Jesus,
Stay away from my head,
Zombie Jesus,
Why won't you stay dead?!?

(Fuck the Easter bunny!)

Stay away!
I don't want to play!
You can't have my brain,
I know you are in pain,
It didn't go as planed,
because now you are,

Zombie Jesus,
Coming back from the dead,
Zombie Jesus,
Stay away from my head,
Zombie Jesus,
Why won't you stay dead?!?
Zombie Jesus,
Don't make me blow your legs away again,

What's with the bunny?
Is this supposed to be funny?
They don't even lay eggs

Zombie Jesus,
Coming back from the dead,
Zombie Jesus,
Stay away from my head,
Zombie Jesus,
Why won't you stay dead?!?

*shotgun firing* Jesus fucking Christ...

Mar 3, 2010

How to: Find La Chupacabra pt 1

Welcome to another of edition of "How to with Derek Bowles" we will be exploring the mystery of the mysterious Chupacabra. Now unlike the other creatures I have showed you how to find in this series, the Chupacabra, is a unique species. The reports are very widespread, and there is actually three different creatures that have been identified as Chupacabra! Below is a brief summary.

The first and most common form is a lizard-like being, appearing to have leathery or scaly greenish-gray skin and sharp spines or quills running down its back. This form stands approximately 3 to 4 feet (1 to 1.2 m) high, and stands and hops in a similar fashion to a kangaroo. In at least one sighting, the creature hopped 20 feet (6 m). This variety is said to have a dog or panther-like nose and face, a forked tongue protruding from it, large fangs, and to hiss and screech when alarmed, as well as leave a sulfuric stench behind.

The second variety bears a resemblance to a wallaby or dog standing on its hind legs. It stands and hops as a kangaroo, and it has coarse fur with greyish facial hair. The head is similar to a dog's, and its mouth has large teeth.

The third form is described as a strange breed of wild dog. This form is mostly hairless, has a pronounced spinal ridge, unusually pronounced eye sockets, teeth, and claws. This animal is said to be the result of interbreeding between several populations of wild dogs, though enthusiasts claim that it might be an example of a dog-like reptile. The account during the year 2001 in Nicaragua of a chupacabras corpse being found supports the conclusion that it is simply a strange breed of wild dog. The alleged corpse of the animal was found in Tolapa, Nicaragua, and forensically analyzed at UNAN-Leon. Pathologists at the University found that it was just an unusual-looking dog. There are very striking morphological differences between different breeds of dog, which can easily account for the strange characteristics.


Feb 9, 2010

Valentine's Day

Here's another song for the ladies. A very special song, for a very special day. I'm talking about Valentine's Day. And this girls, is why guys really try to impress you.

Today is the day,
A very special day,
That's right,
It's Valentine's day

I'm going to wine and dine you,
I'll buy you a heart shape box of chocolates,
And a great big teddy bear,

I open the door,
pull out your chair,
and buy a six course meal,

Why do I do it?
Why do I care?

It's all because it's ,
It's all because it's,
Valentine's Day,

Ohhh Valentine's Day
Valentine's Day,
I can't wait for this day,

Because when the courtin is done,
The fun has just begun,
Ohhh on Valentine's Day,

I'm gonna take you home,
I'm gonna make you moan,
I'm gonna pull your hair,
And then
I'm gonna request you go down there,

Ohhhh Valentine's Day,
Oh how I love this day,
I spend most of the day,
Hearing about how I'm actin gay,

At the end of the day,
I'm gonna make you pay,

Ohhhh Valentine's Day,
Valentine's Day,
I'm going to point that teddy bear towards the bed,
and then I'm gonna say

"Don't pay attention to that red light, everything is gonna be alright"

Ohhh, Valentine's day,
Valentine's day,

I'm gonna take you home,
and make you moan,
I'm gonna pull your hair,
and request you go,
and request that you go,
Down there,
Down there,

©Derek Bowles 2010

Jan 28, 2010

Beautiful Mind

I present to you, for the first time ever. A Derek Bowles Original.

Beautiful Mind

Girl, I just wanted you to know.
Your face looks like it was sent through a cheese grater,
Your body looks like a lump of butter,
But none of that matters girl,
Because your mind your mind looks like Angelina,
That one girl from Princess Diaries (yeah that's right. I watched Princess Diaries, and I think I liked it), and Hillary Clinton combined!

I want to fuck your mind,
Yeah yeah, yeah girl,
I want to fuck your mind

I don't care that you look like the Michelin man,
I just want to get inside your mind!
(uhh... yeah... nice and slow girl...)
Your legs look like an elephant,
Your arms flap faster than a bird,
But none of that matters girl,

I wanna fuck your mind baby!
I want to take it out to dinner, and pretend I'm interested,
Then I want to take it home,
Pour it some wine,
Take off your skull,
And fuck it til the break of dawn, Baby!

Hot tub (yeah)
Laundry room, (yeah, yeah)
Bathroom, (oh yeah, baby)
Your moms bed, (girl I want your mind)
On the elevator, (In front of three people)* starts fading out about here
In the monkey cage at the zoo (While the monkeys throw poo)
On top of a whale, ( Yea.. What? Really on top of a whale?)
On top of a whale, ( That's kind of weird)
While riding a horse (Now you are just saying stuff)

©Derek Bowles 2010

Jan 21, 2010

How to: Find Bigfoot

In this in installment of How To with Derek, I am going to how to find Bigfoot! Yes that's that right, the legendary Bigfoot.

What you will need:
If you followed my How to: Spot a ghost post you should already have a really expensive camera. If you don't, go buy one, but again, do not learn how to use it. Bigfoot also shy's away from good photographers. In addition to the camera, that digital audio recorder you got will come in handy.

Now for the new stuff. You will need a log. Big enough to make a lot of noise, but not big enough that you can't get a good swing.

A meter stick, or one of those string ruler things.

With these basics you will be able to find Bigfoot in no time!
*Warning, you may not find Bigfoot.

Alright! It's time to find some Bigfoot!

Step 1:

Go to the Pacific Northwest. You may be asking yourself,
"Okay, but where at in the Pacific Northwest?"
Easy, the Pacific Northwest.

Step 2:

Go far enough from the road that you can't see the road, but not far enough into the woods that you get lost. This is base camp. While here, do an equipment check. Everything working? Batteries all charged? Good. Now you need to drain those batteries a little. And by a little, I mean after five pictures the camera needs to turn off (this is vital!), and after only minutes the audio recorder will turn off.
Also, if you forgot your log (silly you!) there is a good chance you can find one. Oh look! There's one right there!

(photo jacked from flickr guy inF! )

Step 3:

Ok, now it's time to really look for him. Your best bet is tracks. Look for footprints. And remember that ruler you got? Well, it's time to measure some footprints!

Who says Bigfoot doesn't like the beach?

Step 4:

Ok, now this is where things start getting intense. You have followed the trail! And this time you aren't just following your own tracks! Oh wait? What was that? TAKE A PICTURE!!!! Oh, it was just your buddy. Ok back to business. Take your stick/log and start hitting tree's. Just whack the shit out of it a couple of times, and then listen. Did you get a response? No? Well try some more. If you hear some knocks in the distance (and you are sure it's not the echo this time). Run towards it.

You should be close to Bigfoot now (assuming you followed this correctly).

*Warning, you are probably no where near Bigfoot.

Step 5:

Take out your camera, and audio recorder. Turn them on and when you see something moving start taking pictures. What's this? You didn't drain your battery? Shame on you! Oh well, just keep taking pictures.

Step 6:

You saw movement in the distance? Chase after it! Run as fast as you can! But remember to keep taking pictures! Oh... so close. Ok, well it's time to go home and review the evidence.

Step 7:

Evidence review.

Listen to your audio. Did you hear knocking? No? Just a bunch of panting? Well darn.

Pictures! Let's see what you got.

Ohh pretty.

How did you manage that shot?!

Hmm... Well it appears you didn't catch Bigfoot, this time. Maybe next time?
What? You have one more photo? Ok... let me see it.

OMG! You did it! You found Bigfoot! Congratulations!!!!
The Mind of Derek Bowles