Mar 3, 2010

How to: Find La Chupacabra pt 1

Welcome to another of edition of "How to with Derek Bowles" we will be exploring the mystery of the mysterious Chupacabra. Now unlike the other creatures I have showed you how to find in this series, the Chupacabra, is a unique species. The reports are very widespread, and there is actually three different creatures that have been identified as Chupacabra! Below is a brief summary.

The first and most common form is a lizard-like being, appearing to have leathery or scaly greenish-gray skin and sharp spines or quills running down its back. This form stands approximately 3 to 4 feet (1 to 1.2 m) high, and stands and hops in a similar fashion to a kangaroo. In at least one sighting, the creature hopped 20 feet (6 m). This variety is said to have a dog or panther-like nose and face, a forked tongue protruding from it, large fangs, and to hiss and screech when alarmed, as well as leave a sulfuric stench behind.

The second variety bears a resemblance to a wallaby or dog standing on its hind legs. It stands and hops as a kangaroo, and it has coarse fur with greyish facial hair. The head is similar to a dog's, and its mouth has large teeth.

The third form is described as a strange breed of wild dog. This form is mostly hairless, has a pronounced spinal ridge, unusually pronounced eye sockets, teeth, and claws. This animal is said to be the result of interbreeding between several populations of wild dogs, though enthusiasts claim that it might be an example of a dog-like reptile. The account during the year 2001 in Nicaragua of a chupacabras corpse being found supports the conclusion that it is simply a strange breed of wild dog. The alleged corpse of the animal was found in Tolapa, Nicaragua, and forensically analyzed at UNAN-Leon. Pathologists at the University found that it was just an unusual-looking dog. There are very striking morphological differences between different breeds of dog, which can easily account for the strange characteristics.

In part one of this guide we will be focusing on type I, the lizard like creature.

Lizard like Chupacabra

What you will need:

1) Camera
2) Goat(s)
3a) Taco Bell dog stuffed animal from the movie "Godzilla". The one that says "Here lizard lizard."

3b) If you don't have access to the dog watch this clip and perfect your lizard call.

4) Learn Spanish.

Step 1:

Alright, now that you have your goat, and lizard call perfected it's time to leave. For this adventure we will be heading to Puerto Rico.

Step 2:

Talk to the locals, and ask them where the most recent attacks have occurred. They will most likely send you to a house of a man or woman who refuses to talk about it, but don't worry, I have a plan.

Step 3:

After wasting hours talking to locals just to end up where you started, it's time to go hunting for la Chupacabra!

Grab your goat and head to an area that has NO recent attacks. You heard me right. NO recent attacks. I must be crazy right? Wrong. Chupacabra has already sucked the blood of the animals, and will not be heading back to the same place again.

Step 4:

Tie your goat to a tree and start the lizard call.

Step 5:


Step 6:

Accidentally fall asleep.

Step 7:

Wake up to the sound of a goat in distress.

Step 8:

Scramble to find your camera and take pictures!

Step 9:

Bury your goat, I named mine George. Poor George.

Step 10:

Review the evidence. Go on, I'll wait.


Okay, reviewing done! What's that? You didn't catch anything? Oh, you broke your camera? I know, it's okay, I miss George too. But at least we always have those moments together when I was tying him to a tree to use as bait.

Step 11:

Repeat until Chupacabra is found.

Well folks, there you have it! The sure fire way to find the lizard like Chupacabra. Do not let failure deter you! My method is 100% (un)proven!

*No goats were harmed


Deray said...

You don't need to go as far as Puerto Rico, southwest US is also endemic for Chupacabras. Also, if you don't want to have your goat eat all your camping food, use a cow.

TJ Lubrano said...

Interesting *makes notes*.

Oh! Can I use a video camera too? And is it necessary to name the goat? I don't want to get emotional attached to it. And where do I hide? Somewhere in a bush? In a tree? Behind a tree?

Sorry for all these questions, but I planned a Chupacabra trip soon. I want to be fully prepared (and plan my 'capture a Chupacabra' outfit)! Thanks!

Derek Bowles said...

Deray- Southwest US sightings are chupacabras of the 3rd type, the dog like creatures. And cows are too big to carry around, and they like goats better.

TJ- A video camera might limit your sightings. You don't have to name the goat. You don't hide, just tie the tree and move back far enough away that you can see the goat but not close enough that you can smell the goat.

Ed Wilson said...

I don't currently own a talking chihuahua would a beagld/dachshund/lab/golden mix be alright?


Derek Bowles said...

Ed- Chihuahuas are the preferred dog, something about la chupacabras liking mexican food.

GetTheShovel said...

Real Derek, I can't stop f-wording laughing. Your tutorials are finest pure bullshit I've ever read. That goat pic with its legs up in the air has me crying like a little girl.

BTW, I looooove the new theme, especially the tender pink parts.

Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

Keep posting stuff like this i really like it

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