May 22, 2013

Grocery Store

Without going in to details (which may be coming in another post later on) let's just say I have been without a debit card, and the only way I have to pay for things I need, such as groceries, have been checks. Because I'm not 80 years old I don't know if places accept checks or not, and because it's easier to go to the checkout and be told they don't accept checks and be told to put my things back than it is to ask beforehand; I decided to live on the edge and fill my cart up. I'm not one of those people, and you know who you are, that go down every isle with your little list so you don't forget anything. No I just pick up what's on sale and hope for the best. I've been to the store for paper towels 3 times this week and still don't have any paper towels.

So after pretending like I know what I'm looking for in meat, and loudly declaring "This meat is no good! Why the marbling in these steaks is horrible!" mind you, I was holding pork chops. Needless to say, my parents would be proud. I then proceeded to make laps around the same isles because I kept throwing stuff in and then thinking "I don't really want this" and "Actually I should get that" it was time to head to cashier and see if I could write a check.Wait, I'm getting ahead of myself. If you have a child and bring that child to the store and said child is crying it should be a law that anyone at the store can walk by that child and slap them in the face. Shit's ridiculous. Obviously I'm hungover and can't plan well which is why I'm at the store at 10 am on a Saturday ma'am. The least you can do is keep your living alarm clock from screaming in my face in a public place and if you can't I should have the right to slap him or her.

So I'm in line to check out, with a check. They start scanning items, and because I wasn't sure if they accepted checks I brought my gun. Kind of an important fact and looking back I should have probably started off with that. So they are scanning my items, and about half way through I ask them if I can write a check, when I am rudely interrupted by the 40 year old bag lady. "Do you want your milk in a bag?" to which I respond with "What kind of stupid question is that? Of course I want my motha fuckin milk in a motha fuckin bag ! I said plastic is fine bitch! I forgot my plus card can you please look it up?" which seems a bit excessive but you weren't there and she asked the question in a very "Fuck you and your milk" way. Clearly my response was warranted but they didn't see it that way and I was asked to leave and never come back.

Also some unrelated and related thoughts about groceries stores that I am too lazy to go back and insert into the story.
* It's always awkward when the bag lady asks if I want help out to my car. Mainly because I just stare at them for awhile and say, yes but can you hold on, I need to go buy some duct tape.

*Have you ever been shocked by the milk door? It's  probably one of the most embarrassing things ever.

*Why is it that when ever you can't afford an item or items, they always ask you if you want the item. No I don't want the item, I just put it in my cart because I wanted to have everyone else in the store stare at me, and think "wow this guy is poor." They might as well just go on the loud speaker and say "We have a broke guy trying to buy food. Come to register 3 to point and laugh at him and make him feel like even more of a loser."

* You might notice some changes in the posts I put up. There will probably be a lot more shorter thoughts, and musings as opposed to lengthy posts.

*I still just write and then post it with no editing, if there isn't a red squiggly line then there's nothing wrong with it.

* And as always you can find me on Twitter @DeRexBowles where you can stay up to date with all my ramblings and tell me how much I suck.

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The Mind of Derek Bowles