The (Real) Hunger Games

Everyone knows that the homeless people menace has become a problem. You can't go anywhere without some one asking for food. If you are like me, you have no conscious and struggle on a daily basis with thoughts of just running them over. Well, I found the solution and it will do two things for you. One, it will make people think you care about the homeless. Secondly you will still be able to display your hatred for the homeless. Here's what you do.

1)Buy a jar of peanut butter.
2)Give the jar of peanut butter to a homeless person.
3)Make sure there are no beverages for the homeless person.
4)Smile.
Now you might be thinking to yourself, "Wow, that's fucked up." to which I will respond with "I know, it's great isn't it?"
5) Wait

This is when the games begin. How hungry is the homeless person? Hungry enough to eat peanut butter with no drink? How much will they eat before realizing it's impossible to eat a lot of peanut butter without something to drink. I don't know about you but I can eat two spoonfuls before I have to take a drink. And I don't mean two tiny little girly spoon fulls, I mean two man sized peanut butter falling off the spoon, peanut butter mountain spoonfuls. So the homeless person has a big decision to make. Either eat the peanut butter, not eat the peanut butter, or stab you with a dull rusty knife. Let the games begin!


Want to tell me how fucked up I am? Come at me (on twitter @DeRexBowles) bro! And remember, if you don't have anything nice to say don't say it all. Or post it in the comments below.

What if George R.R. Martin..

I'm a huge fan of the TV show Game of Thrones but the author of the books, George R.R. Martin is a real dick some times. Anyone who has two middle names is already probably a sick freak already, but GRRM takes it too new levels. Which is why I love him so much. Because I'm already going through withdrawals (don't tell me to read the books) I decided to imagine what GRRM would be like in other professions. This time, a doctor.



George R. R. Martin, M.D.

Scene:
A family gathers in the waiting room of a hospital. A man paces back and forth in front of his three children who can feel something is amiss but don't quite understand what is going on. An elder couple sit quietly grasping each others hands, a worrisome look on their face. Suddenly they see the doctor, Dr. George R. R. Martin. The pacing man stops and looks his way. The doctors face is emotionless.

"Please doctor! Is she going to be okay!" The man pleas.

The doctor takes a heavy breath and adjusts his glasses.
"Mr. Reynolds. The surgery was a success."

A wave of relief washes through the room. The old man brings his wife's hand to his lips and gives it a kiss. His eyes begin to tear up. The elder woman begins to cry, and buries her head into her husbands shoulder. These are tears of elation. The ordeal is over, their daughter alive. The children pick up on the emotion look confused first, but that turns into joy as they see their fathers morbid grimace fade and a smile appear. The smallest child, who looks to be about four begins to dance. Laughter erupts, the old couple on their feet now dancing with the young child. Today is a great day.

"Thank you doctor! When can we see her? When can I see my daughter!" The elder man asks gleefully.

".. Well there was a complication." The doctor says coldly.

The energy and joy of the room is suddenly replaced with a palpable tension. The young child still dancing, not picking up on what has just occurred continues to laugh. The young girl notices that her grandparents are no longer dancing, and looks around. Even though she doesn't understand the situation she can feel the tension herself and stops dancing.

"What.. What is it?!?" The husband squeals. His face back to a somber sadness.

"The surgery went fine, yes. But.."

"What!! Spit it out!!" The old man shrills.

"Well... I lit her on fire."

"What?!?!?!?!?!?" They yell in unison.

"Yes.. While she was recovering.. I set her on fire. She was burned alive. Quite terribly actually. You should have heard her screams. They were.." A sly smile creeps across his face "Wonderful."

The man becomes enraged, and tries to yell but words escape him. The old lady falls to the floor grasping her heart.

"Some one get a doctor! She's having a heart attack! She's all I got left!!" Terror fills his face. As he scans the room he notices no one is moving to help. "What are you all standing around for!! Some one help!"

The doctor makes his way to the woman. He bends down and checks her pulse.

"I'm afraid she's dead." The doctor mutters.

Tears begin to roll down the old mans face. The once happy family now distraught and full of chaos.

"There's more. Mr. Reynolds... You have throat cancer. You will probably die in a few weeks. We can't let you raise children in this condition either. So we have sold your children to a gold mine in Nigeria where they will most likely be raped, tortured, and starved. They might live, but I doubt it. You can only hope for them to have a swift death. But again, probably not. They will be worked to death and given just enough medical care to keep them alive enough to mine."


And that is George R. R. Martin as a doctor.


Let me know what you think on twitter @DeRexBowles and as always feel free to comment below.

OMYSBW: Freaked (1993)

I will be revisiting a classic movie from my childhood today. Freaked. Before I go any further let me put the synopsis for you.


From Yahoo!Movies:

" A spoiled young actor of the Brat Pack generation signs on as the celebrity spokesman for Noxon, a gene-altering chemical fertilizer marketed only in Third World countries. During a subsequent junket to South America to promote the product, he falls into the hands of a mad alchemist who transforms the actor into hideous freak and places him on display in a carnival sideshow."

I know what you're thinking, and yes the movie IS as good as it sounds.  I have always remembered this movie but could never remember the name of it. By mere coincidence the director Alex Winter, happened to be on one of the podcasts I listen to (The Nerdist) and the movie was mentioned. How lucky is that?!

So, go track down this movie and watch it! You most likely won't regret it.

Fear

“Are you paralyzed with fear? That’s a good sign. Fear is good. Like self-doubt, fear is an indicator. Fear tells us what we have to do. Remember one rule of thumb: the more scared we are of a work or calling, the more sure we can be that we have to do it.”  Stephen Pressfield

I recently revisited a great book by Stephen Pressfield called "The War of Art" and in this book he talks about ways to overcome "resistance" or excuses, and rationalizations of why we shouldn't do something. My main problem is procrastination. I've been attempting to do stand up at an open mic one of the bars here has every month and every month I keep saying "there's always next time."

 I reread the book and the quote at the top really spoke to me. Fear, was preventing me from going on stage. Not because I'm afraid of talking into a mic in front of people, but the self doubt of "is my material good enough?" If I didn't care so much about comedy would I be as afraid? I'm not saying that I'll be a great stand up comedian, and I've come to accept that I will most likely spend many many years bombing before I become competent if I ever do. But I must do it. Why? Because it is the most terrifying thing I can imagine.

I haven't gone on stage yet. Mainly because the open mic night is only once a month, and there are no comedy clubs nearby. More excuses? More fear? Absolutely. The difference is my mentality.

 "you don't know my mentality bro! I can't lose because of my mentality! You don't know my mentality!"

I no longer view fear as an enemy but as a friend. We are no longer listed as "it's complicated" on facebook. And whether or not I succeed, I will be able to say I gave it my best shot. 


As always you can find me on Twitter @DeRexBowles, and feel free to tell me how much you love me. It's okay I understand.  And feel free to pop down to the comments below and share your own experiences.

Animal Lovers

Have you ever asked someone if they like animals? Have they ever responded with "I love animals!" but when you start asking them which animals they love the list is surprisingly short? Well, I recently had a conversation with someone who said just that. Her name was Samantha, or as I know her as, a dirty liar.


me:
"So uhh, you like animals?"

her:

"Yes! I love animals! Cats, dogs, horses! All of them. Except for fish. Fish are weird. And really only some dogs. Not big dogs, but like small ones."

"Oh that's cool. So you like snakes then?"

"No, not really. They are just so slimy looking."

"What about birds?"

"Oh my gosh no! They are so creepy!"

"... So your not an animal lover then..."

"No I love animals!"

"No... You love some animals... Just because you have sixteen cats and a goldfish doesn't mean you love animals."

"Whatever!"


And I wonder why I'm single...

Say my name

The other day I was hanging out with some friends when someone I didn't know came over and introduced himself to me and asked me what my was. I know what you are thinking, and trust me this story does go somewhere. To make a short boring story slightly shorter and more entertaining; I couldn't remember my name for a good three seconds.

Have you ever noticed that when you are unexpectedly asked for your name you usually say "Uhhh ." With the the "uhh" you are basically saying "Good question sir, let me take a few seconds to mull over this question and I will get back to you post haste." I can't speak for you, but when I talk in my head I typically sound like a terrible background actor from Game Of Thrones. Cheerio! But because I realize how stupid I look when I can't remember my name I have devised a fool proof way of not only preventing me looking like an idiot, but also making the person asking me feel stupid. 

"I'm Tom by the way, what's your name?"

"Uhh... Derek, aka the person who's house you are currently in?" Make sure to give him a look that says "dumbass"

Typically they respond along similiar lines of "Oh damn! I didn't know! My bad bro!"

Also don't be concerned with facts. As long as the guy/girl doesn't live at the house themselves this will work.

You're welcome.

As always if you want to tell me how stupid this way or that I suck leave a comment below or follow me on twitter @DeRexBowles where I will make your eyes bleed with my inner most thoughts and feelings. 

Grocery Store

Without going in to details (which may be coming in another post later on) let's just say I have been without a debit card, and the only way I have to pay for things I need, such as groceries, have been checks. Because I'm not 80 years old I don't know if places accept checks or not, and because it's easier to go to the checkout and be told they don't accept checks and be told to put my things back than it is to ask beforehand; I decided to live on the edge and fill my cart up. I'm not one of those people, and you know who you are, that go down every isle with your little list so you don't forget anything. No I just pick up what's on sale and hope for the best. I've been to the store for paper towels 3 times this week and still don't have any paper towels.

So after pretending like I know what I'm looking for in meat, and loudly declaring "This meat is no good! Why the marbling in these steaks is horrible!" mind you, I was holding pork chops. Needless to say, my parents would be proud. I then proceeded to make laps around the same isles because I kept throwing stuff in and then thinking "I don't really want this" and "Actually I should get that" it was time to head to cashier and see if I could write a check.Wait, I'm getting ahead of myself. If you have a child and bring that child to the store and said child is crying it should be a law that anyone at the store can walk by that child and slap them in the face. Shit's ridiculous. Obviously I'm hungover and can't plan well which is why I'm at the store at 10 am on a Saturday ma'am. The least you can do is keep your living alarm clock from screaming in my face in a public place and if you can't I should have the right to slap him or her.

So I'm in line to check out, with a check. They start scanning items, and because I wasn't sure if they accepted checks I brought my gun. Kind of an important fact and looking back I should have probably started off with that. So they are scanning my items, and about half way through I ask them if I can write a check, when I am rudely interrupted by the 40 year old bag lady. "Do you want your milk in a bag?" to which I respond with "What kind of stupid question is that? Of course I want my motha fuckin milk in a motha fuckin bag ! I said plastic is fine bitch! I forgot my plus card can you please look it up?" which seems a bit excessive but you weren't there and she asked the question in a very "Fuck you and your milk" way. Clearly my response was warranted but they didn't see it that way and I was asked to leave and never come back.



Also some unrelated and related thoughts about groceries stores that I am too lazy to go back and insert into the story.
* It's always awkward when the bag lady asks if I want help out to my car. Mainly because I just stare at them for awhile and say, yes but can you hold on, I need to go buy some duct tape.

*Have you ever been shocked by the milk door? It's  probably one of the most embarrassing things ever.

*Why is it that when ever you can't afford an item or items, they always ask you if you want the item. No I don't want the item, I just put it in my cart because I wanted to have everyone else in the store stare at me, and think "wow this guy is poor." They might as well just go on the loud speaker and say "We have a broke guy trying to buy food. Come to register 3 to point and laugh at him and make him feel like even more of a loser."

* You might notice some changes in the posts I put up. There will probably be a lot more shorter thoughts, and musings as opposed to lengthy posts.

*I still just write and then post it with no editing, if there isn't a red squiggly line then there's nothing wrong with it.


* And as always you can find me on Twitter @DeRexBowles where you can stay up to date with all my ramblings and tell me how much I suck.

Nightmares

Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night and been flooded with a bunch of memories from your life and think "Oh shit, I think I'm dying. This is it,  my life is flashing before my eyes." It's kind of peaceful at first until you realize why you didn't care to remember these in the first place, and that's because they all remind you how fucking shitty your life has been. "Oh there's me eating some Cheetos I dropped on the floor, I bet they were at least 2 weeks old." "Oh yeah, I remember that one time I said I was going to get out of bed and be ambitious but decided to go back to sleep." It's fucking depressing. So I did what any American worth their salt would do, I repressed those memories and watched porn until I fell asleep. The way God intended it. 


As always you can find me on Twitter @DeRexBowles where you can stay up to date with all my ramblings and tell me how much I suck. 

Crosswalk

The crosswalks around here have a button that you press and immediately these yellow lights start blinking to let drivers know, "Hey asshole, slow down I'm trying to cross the street." Usually when you hit this button, you pause to make sure that oncoming traffic stops, and  you make eye contact with the driver and give a little wave to say "Thanks for not running me over and possibly killing me." You then go on way your way and this social interaction is over. The other day however, that did not happen. I'm driving home, and I see a guy walking down the side walk, is he going to try to cross the street? I can't tell, usually when you cross the street you check over your shoulder to see if there is a car coming. This guy did not do that. What did he do? He hit the button and walked across. He didn't stop to see if there was a car coming, he didn't wave, he didn't even look up. He just hit the button and decided to put his well being in the hands of a complete stranger. He has no idea what my mental state is. I could have been on my phone tweeting to my 16 followers about how I feel like chipotle has  been going down hill or taking a selfie for instagram. But he didn't even look up. I could have just broken up with my girlfriend and been a rage and just said fuck it. Who does this guy think he is? I'm going to fucking run him over because I'm mentally unstable and I learned how to drive by playing grand theft auto, and I'm pretty sure this would only get me one star. Or maybe I'm just fucking crazy and this asshole is what sets me off into a murderous rampage. The cops would come and ask why I didn't stop and all I'd be able to say is "well he didn't fucking look up or wave."

Related note, if you don't press the button at all and you get hit it's your own fault. If you can't take the second to press the button you deserve to become roadkill and I shouldn't be responsible.



As always you can find me on Twitter @DeRexBowles where you can stay up to date with all my ramblings and tell me how much I suck.

Rated FF for Family Friendly

I have been informed that some of my posts aren't family friendly. So to reach new audiences I have wrote a childrens song.

It is called, Recess Time. Or something like that.


Hey there boys and girls!
Hi DeRex!
Are You ready to hear a song?
Yeah!

It was recess time,
He saw her on the swing,
She looked so pretty,
It was love at first sight,
So he pushed her in mud,

And do you know what he did next boys and girls?
No what?

He said,
Eat this mud booger brain,
Or else I'll bring the pain,

And do yo know what happened next?
Tell us! Tell us!

She yelled,
You caught my cooties,
When you touched my booties,
Now run away before I lick your face.

Ewwww

So johnny ran,
he ran away,
until he remembered this,
He circle circle,
dot, dot,
had his cootie shot,

Oooooo!


He marched back to her,
She would eat the mud,
and be his new girlfriend,
But just then,
The whistle blew,
And poor ol Johnny knew,

He would have to wait,
For his,
mud,
date

Happy Easter

This is a song, dedicated to Easter.

You gave yourself for our sins,
Those Jews sure did you in,
You told us you would rise again,
And you did!
Zombie Jesus!

I know we shouldn't hide,
You promise us with eternal life,
But no, I won't put down this knife!

Zombie Jesus,
Coming back from the dead,
Zombie Jesus,
Stay away from my head,
Zombie Jesus,
Why won't you stay dead?!?

I saw you die,
With my one good eye,
I didn't believe you when you said you can fly!

Zombie Jesus,
Coming back from the dead,
Zombie Jesus,
Stay away from my head,
Zombie Jesus,
Why won't you stay dead?!?

(Fuck the Easter bunny!)

Stay away!
I don't want to play!
You can't have my brain,
I know you are in pain,
It didn't go as planed,
because now you are,

Zombie Jesus,
Coming back from the dead,
Zombie Jesus,
Stay away from my head,
Zombie Jesus,
Why won't you stay dead?!?
Zombie Jesus,
Don't make me blow your legs away again,

What's with the bunny?
Is this supposed to be funny?
They don't even lay eggs

Zombie Jesus,
Coming back from the dead,
Zombie Jesus,
Stay away from my head,
Zombie Jesus,
Why won't you stay dead?!?

*shotgun firing* Jesus fucking Christ...

How to: Find La Chupacabra pt 1

Welcome to another of edition of "How to with Derek Bowles" we will be exploring the mystery of the mysterious Chupacabra. Now unlike the other creatures I have showed you how to find in this series, the Chupacabra, is a unique species. The reports are very widespread, and there is actually three different creatures that have been identified as Chupacabra! Below is a brief summary.

The first and most common form is a lizard-like being, appearing to have leathery or scaly greenish-gray skin and sharp spines or quills running down its back. This form stands approximately 3 to 4 feet (1 to 1.2 m) high, and stands and hops in a similar fashion to a kangaroo. In at least one sighting, the creature hopped 20 feet (6 m). This variety is said to have a dog or panther-like nose and face, a forked tongue protruding from it, large fangs, and to hiss and screech when alarmed, as well as leave a sulfuric stench behind.

The second variety bears a resemblance to a wallaby or dog standing on its hind legs. It stands and hops as a kangaroo, and it has coarse fur with greyish facial hair. The head is similar to a dog's, and its mouth has large teeth.

The third form is described as a strange breed of wild dog. This form is mostly hairless, has a pronounced spinal ridge, unusually pronounced eye sockets, teeth, and claws. This animal is said to be the result of interbreeding between several populations of wild dogs, though enthusiasts claim that it might be an example of a dog-like reptile. The account during the year 2001 in Nicaragua of a chupacabras corpse being found supports the conclusion that it is simply a strange breed of wild dog. The alleged corpse of the animal was found in Tolapa, Nicaragua, and forensically analyzed at UNAN-Leon. Pathologists at the University found that it was just an unusual-looking dog. There are very striking morphological differences between different breeds of dog, which can easily account for the strange characteristics.

http://www.monstropedia.org/index.php?title=Chupacabra

Valentine's Day

Here's another song for the ladies. A very special song, for a very special day. I'm talking about Valentine's Day. And this girls, is why guys really try to impress you.


Today is the day,
A very special day,
That's right,
It's Valentine's day

I'm going to wine and dine you,
I'll buy you a heart shape box of chocolates,
And a great big teddy bear,


I open the door,
pull out your chair,
and buy a six course meal,

Why do I do it?
Why do I care?

It's all because it's ,
It's all because it's,
Valentine's Day,

Ohhh Valentine's Day
Valentine's Day,
I can't wait for this day,

Because when the courtin is done,
The fun has just begun,
Ohhh on Valentine's Day,

I'm gonna take you home,
I'm gonna make you moan,
I'm gonna pull your hair,
And then
I'm gonna request you go down there,

Ohhhh Valentine's Day,
Oh how I love this day,
I spend most of the day,
Hearing about how I'm actin gay,

At the end of the day,
I'm gonna make you pay,

Ohhhh Valentine's Day,
Valentine's Day,
I'm going to point that teddy bear towards the bed,
and then I'm gonna say

"Don't pay attention to that red light, everything is gonna be alright"

Ohhh, Valentine's day,
Valentine's day,

I'm gonna take you home,
and make you moan,
I'm gonna pull your hair,
and request you go,
and request that you go,
Down there,
Down there,
Dooowwwn,
Theeerrre

©Derek Bowles 2010

Beautiful Mind

I present to you, for the first time ever. A Derek Bowles Original.

Beautiful Mind

Girl, I just wanted you to know.
Your face looks like it was sent through a cheese grater,
Your body looks like a lump of butter,
But none of that matters girl,
Because your mind your mind looks like Angelina,
That one girl from Princess Diaries (yeah that's right. I watched Princess Diaries, and I think I liked it), and Hillary Clinton combined!

I want to fuck your mind,
Yeah yeah, yeah girl,
I want to fuck your mind

I don't care that you look like the Michelin man,
I just want to get inside your mind!
(uhh... yeah... nice and slow girl...)
Your legs look like an elephant,
Your arms flap faster than a bird,
But none of that matters girl,

I wanna fuck your mind baby!
I want to take it out to dinner, and pretend I'm interested,
Then I want to take it home,
Pour it some wine,
Take off your skull,
And fuck it til the break of dawn, Baby!

Hot tub (yeah)
Laundry room, (yeah, yeah)
Bathroom, (oh yeah, baby)
Your moms bed, (girl I want your mind)
On the elevator, (In front of three people)* starts fading out about here
In the monkey cage at the zoo (While the monkeys throw poo)
On top of a whale, ( Yea.. What? Really on top of a whale?)
On top of a whale, ( That's kind of weird)
While riding a horse (Now you are just saying stuff)


©Derek Bowles 2010

How to: Find Bigfoot

In this in installment of How To with Derek, I am going to how to find Bigfoot! Yes that's that right, the legendary Bigfoot.

What you will need:
If you followed my How to: Spot a ghost post you should already have a really expensive camera. If you don't, go buy one, but again, do not learn how to use it. Bigfoot also shy's away from good photographers. In addition to the camera, that digital audio recorder you got will come in handy.

Now for the new stuff. You will need a log. Big enough to make a lot of noise, but not big enough that you can't get a good swing.

A meter stick, or one of those string ruler things.



With these basics you will be able to find Bigfoot in no time!
*Warning, you may not find Bigfoot.

Alright! It's time to find some Bigfoot!

Step 1:

Go to the Pacific Northwest. You may be asking yourself,
"Okay, but where at in the Pacific Northwest?"
Easy, the Pacific Northwest.

Step 2:

Go far enough from the road that you can't see the road, but not far enough into the woods that you get lost. This is base camp. While here, do an equipment check. Everything working? Batteries all charged? Good. Now you need to drain those batteries a little. And by a little, I mean after five pictures the camera needs to turn off (this is vital!), and after only minutes the audio recorder will turn off.
Also, if you forgot your log (silly you!) there is a good chance you can find one. Oh look! There's one right there!

(photo jacked from flickr guy inF! )

Step 3:

Ok, now it's time to really look for him. Your best bet is tracks. Look for footprints. And remember that ruler you got? Well, it's time to measure some footprints!



Who says Bigfoot doesn't like the beach?

Step 4:

Ok, now this is where things start getting intense. You have followed the trail! And this time you aren't just following your own tracks! Oh wait? What was that? TAKE A PICTURE!!!! Oh, it was just your buddy. Ok back to business. Take your stick/log and start hitting tree's. Just whack the shit out of it a couple of times, and then listen. Did you get a response? No? Well try some more. If you hear some knocks in the distance (and you are sure it's not the echo this time). Run towards it.

You should be close to Bigfoot now (assuming you followed this correctly).

*Warning, you are probably no where near Bigfoot.

Step 5:

Take out your camera, and audio recorder. Turn them on and when you see something moving start taking pictures. What's this? You didn't drain your battery? Shame on you! Oh well, just keep taking pictures.

Step 6:

You saw movement in the distance? Chase after it! Run as fast as you can! But remember to keep taking pictures! Oh... so close. Ok, well it's time to go home and review the evidence.

Step 7:

Evidence review.

Listen to your audio. Did you hear knocking? No? Just a bunch of panting? Well darn.

Pictures! Let's see what you got.


Ohh pretty.


How did you manage that shot?!


Hmm... Well it appears you didn't catch Bigfoot, this time. Maybe next time?
What? You have one more photo? Ok... let me see it.



OMG! You did it! You found Bigfoot! Congratulations!!!!

The Ghost of Turkeys Past Act 4&5

I'm a little late on delivering this one, my bad.

Act 1
Act 2

Act 3



"*Yawn* Oh man, it's getting late. I hope this next ghost hurries up."
The clock rang two A.M.

"Hmmm, it should be here by now."

gobble gobble

"What was that?"

Gobble, gobble, gobble

"What in the he..."

"Gobble gobble gobble!!!" an angry turkey said right in Tiberius' face.

"Ahh!"

"Gobble!"

"A turkey? Really?"

"Get away from him you freak!" some one said suddenly.

"Huh? Who's there!"

"It is I!" the spirit boomed.

"I who?" Tiberius asked.

"I! The spirit of Turkeys Present!"

"What's with the turkey?"

"That is the spirit of Turkeys Future!"

"Gobble!"

"Why did you come together?"

"Because we couldn't risk letting you be alone with a turkey."

"I was.."

"Quiet! We have decided to murder you for your crimes against turkeys."

"Murder me!"

"Yes!"
"Gobble gobble!"

"It sounds to me like your boss is out of ideas, if you ask me." Tiberius boldly (and incorrectly) stated.

"Silence!" the Spirit said becoming more agitated.

"No seriously. Two spirits in one go? Murdering me. Some one needs to take a class. Killing some one off at the..."

Bang

"Come on Mr. Gobbles. Our Job is done here."

"Gobble!"


The end or is it...

.
..
...
....
.....
......
.....
....
...
..
.
..
...
....
.....
....
..
.
Three days later

"What do we have here?"

"Looks like murder."

"Looks like his turkey stuffed him." the man says while he puts sunglasses on.

For the full the effect play the video, right after reading the last line above!

The Ghost of Turkeys Past Act 3

Act 1
Act 2




Mr. Yam spent the next 40 minutes trying to disprove, and rationalize that what he just saw had to have been a bad acid trip (he is a musician you know).

"This can't be real, ghosts don't exist." he explained to himself.

Bzzzz, bzzzz, bzzzz.

"WHAT THE HELL!!!!" he screamed. "Oh, it's just a text message."

Mr. Yam, took his phone and read the message.

LOLZ! ghsts r real! Look bhnd u! LOLZ!

"Look behind me..." Mr. Yam began to turn around. "What in the, Ahhhhhhh!!!!!"

"Like, dude, why are you freaking out?" the ghost said with an attitude.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!"

"*sigh* Seriously, like grow up. Didn't you get my text?"

"Ahhhhhhhhheeey. You are kind of hot." Mr. Yam said as he noticed the spirit was a 23 year old, busty blond, slightly translucent.

"Like, let's just get this over with. I am the Ghost of Turkeys Past." she said impatiently.

"What? Turkeys Past?"

"Helloooooo, that is what I just said. Try to like follow along."

"Uhh, you know that you are naked... right?" Mr. Yam said nervously.

"What? Have you never seen a woman's body before?"

"Well yeah, but uhh, not one with such, uhh, ummm..."

"Big tits?"

"Yes."

"Well are you going to just stare at them all day? Or can I continue?"

"Oh uh, sure. Contitue. I mean, yes, go on."

"Ok." The spirit grabs Mr. Yams hands, and places them upon her breasts. "Hold on." Mr. Yam gladly obliges.

The spirit and Mr. Yam were suddenly outside, standing in front of a small farm.

"I recognize this place. This is where I was raised! Mom and Pa's turkey farm!" Mr. Yam exclaimed.

"Wow, what a dump." the spirit laughed.

"Hey! This is my childhood home you are talking about!" Mr. yam said in anger.

" Hey this is my childhood home you are talking about!" the spirit mocked. "It's still a dump."

"Look, there's mom! Mooooooommmm!!!!"

"She can't..."

"MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!!! OVER HERE IT'S ME!!!"

"She can't hear..."

"MOOMM, MOOOMM, MOOOOOOOOOMMMMM!!!"

"For the love of..."

"IT'S ME YOUR SON!!! TIBERIUS!!!!!"

"SHUT THE HELL UP SHE CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!!!" the spirit yelled.

"What? She's right there!" Tiberius protested.

"Yes, but we are not among the living. Think of this like a movie."

"So she can't hear me?"

"Bingo Einstein."

The two walked around the farm, and for some reason Tiberius still thought that people could hear him. They walked to a small red barn.

"Do you know what this is?" the spirit asked.

"Yes, this is the barn, where we kept the turkeys."

"Do you know why we are here?"

"Isn't that why you are here?"

"I guess."

They go through the door, and what the spirit see's makes her scream.

"Ewwww gross!!!!"

"Uhhh...."

"What is wrong with you!!!!"

"Errr...."

"What are you doing to that turkey!!!"

"......" Tiberius is becoming noticeably embarrassed.

"Ok, this is just sick. We are leaving." She grabs his hands, and once again they vanish. They reappear in Tiberius' room.

"I can explain! I was young! I loved that turkey!" Tiberius frantically spouted out.

"I'm like leaving. You are a pervy old man."

And then she was gone. Tiberius sat on his bed, and looked at the clock. "One thirty four. This is going to be a long night."

The Ghost of Turkeys Past Act 2

Act 1

Mr Yam was prepared for bed, (I don't think I need to include what he did. Let's just say a shower, and more.) and a half step away from his bed when he heard a thunderous knock. Mr. Yam murmured under his breath "Who the expletive is at my door? I bet it is that bitch of a wife of mine." he laughed. "I knew you would be back!" he shouted with glee, as he started walking to the door. But to his surprise it was not.

"Who the hell are you?" Mr. Yam asked.

"I'm Keith, from accounting."

"Uhh... And why are you here?"

"Oh, yeah. I have message for you."

"From who? My wife I bet!"

"I don't know man. I was trying to score some crack and some guy asked if I wanted to make five bucks."

"Oh? And what was his message?"

"Oh yeah right. *clears throat* 'Hear me!' cried the Ghost. 'My time is nearly gone.'"

"Uhhh what are you talking about?"

"Dude. Shut up. I'm telling it like he told me to tell it."

"Alright fine, just get on with it."

"Anyway! As I was saying. *clears throat* 'I am here tonight to warn you, that you have yet a chance and hope of escaping my fate. A chance and hope of my procuring, Mr. Yam.'"

"This sounds oddly familiar..."

"You will be haunted, by three spirits!"

"Wait a minute... This sounds a lot like A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens" Mr. Yam stated.

"Seriously man. This would take literally two minutes if you would just shut up."

"Fine fine, go on."

"You know what. You aren't taking this seriously so I'm giving you the cliff notes. First ghost will come at one when the bell tolls, the second will be an hour after that, and the last an hour after that."

"In A Christmas Carol his ghosts were spread over three days." Mr. Yam said snidely.

"'In A Christmas Carol his ghosts were spread over three days'" Keith mocked. "Look dude, I was just doing this for the 20 bucks. So if you have problem take it up with some one else."

"Words hurt... Words hurt."

"Whatever. I have a hooker and twenty four pack waiting for me. I'm leaving. Good luck with whatever."

Mr. Yam shut the door and started laughing. "I wonder who put him up to that." He looked at the clock "Well it's 12:20 so I guess I'll find out" he said under his breath.

The Ghost of Turkeys Past Act 1

As we approach our favorite holiday stretch, I have decided to tell the tale of Turkey's who didn't make it. You all have heard the story of Scrooge and his ghosts right? Well this is nothing like that.

This tell of tales begins in the small village of Stuffing, Turkey. It was Turkey Day Eve, and Mr. Yam, and his new Wife Cindy Yam, were sitting down for their first Turkey Day Eve together. You see Mr. Yam was an immigrant of Hungry, and he had not yet known the feast that is Turkey Day. Mr. Yam was a respected flutist, and Mrs. Yam a raiser of cocks (roosters you pervs). Not much is known of Mr. Yam but the village gladly accepted him as one of their own. Not to mention he rode in with a cart of gold.

As the couple was discussing the plan for tomorrow a knock was heard at the door.

*knock knock*
"Hello?" the man at the door squeaked.

"Honey be a dear and go get the door." said Mr. Yam.

"Why do I always have to get the door? I have been raising cocks all day while you were in the room playing with your flute!" shouted Mrs. Yam.

"Flute playing is hard work! Any idiot can raise cocks!"

"How dare you!"

"How dare I? How dare I!?"

"Uhhh, hello? I'm still at the door..." the man at the door said.

"SHUT UP!" the Yams yelled in unison.

"You make me do everything! Raise the cocks, cook, clean, and what do you do? You play your flute all day!" Mrs. Yam nagged.

"If you don't like it leave!" Mr. Yam shouted.

"I think I'm going to go..." the man at the door muttered.

"See look at what you did! You made our guest leave!" Mr. Yam noted.

"Me? I made him leave? I don't think so!"

"Make like a tree, and get the fuck out." Mr. Yam cleverly said.

"Why I never!" Mrs. Yam screeched while storming off.

"I'll help you pack you ungrateful harlot!"

Mrs. Yam, grabbed her cocks and left the house.

"About damn time she left" Mr. Yam mumbled. "Now I can play my flute in peace." And he did just that. He played his flute 4 times that night. Exhausted from his strenuous flute playing Mr. Yam decided to go to sleep.

How to spot a ghost

Want to see a ghost? Well, this how to guide will ensure that you spot one! Just follow these easy steps and get ready for a ghostly encounter. *warning, results may vary. Not everyone will see a ghost.

Step 1:

Buy a really expensive camera, but do not learn how to use any of the settings. Trust me, ghosts avoid good photographers. Also recommended, but not required is a digital audio recorder.

Step 2:

Go into a really dusty area, and start stomping, and kicking things. It makes the ghosts mad. Take pictures while doing this.

Step 3:

Now is a good time to turn on your DAR. Ghosts talk at a frequency that humans can't hear, but the DAR can. So start asking questions. Here are some sample questions to help the process,

"Is anyone here?"
"Hello?"
"Can you move an object?"
"Can you touch me?"

Alright, I think you get the jist of things.

Step 5:

Over react to everything. Do you hear something tapping the window? Well, by golly you need to jump up and scream. BUT DO NOT GO TOWARDS THE NOISE! I repeat DO NOT GO TOWARDS THE NOISE. Ghosts are very perceptive and know when some one is coming. So just stay where you are and scream. See a shadow down the hall? Don't try to figure out what is causing it, run!

Step 6:

Ok, step six is the step where you catch your breath, and let your vocal cords rest. You have been running and screaming all night so you need this.

Step 7:

This is a tricky step, in this step you need to include the first 2 through 5. So walk around taking pictures, asking questions, and over reacting to everything. Now here is the tricky part. You must, must, must, start saying "What was that?" over and over even if you are by yourself. "What was that?" is like a mating call for the ghosts, and they will be unable to resist you if you say it.

Now it's time to review your evidence, and I have some pictures that will help decide if it is in fact a ghost.








As you can see, there are a lot of ghosts out there. And by following my guide you too can see some!