Have you ever asked someone if they like animals? Have they ever responded with "I love animals!" but when you start asking them which animals they love the list is surprisingly short? Well, I recently had a conversation with someone who said just that. Her name was Samantha, or as I know her as, a dirty liar.
me:
"So uhh, you like animals?"
her:
"Yes! I love animals! Cats, dogs, horses! All of them. Except for fish. Fish are weird. And really only some dogs. Not big dogs, but like small ones."
"Oh that's cool. So you like snakes then?"
"No, not really. They are just so slimy looking."
"What about birds?"
"Oh my gosh no! They are so creepy!"
"... So your not an animal lover then..."
"No I love animals!"
"No... You love some animals... Just because you have sixteen cats and a goldfish doesn't mean you love animals."
"Whatever!"
And I wonder why I'm single...
May 29, 2013
May 25, 2013
Say my name
The other day I was hanging out with some friends when someone I didn't know came over and introduced himself to me and asked me what my was. I know what you are thinking, and trust me this story does go somewhere. To make a short boring story slightly shorter and more entertaining; I couldn't remember my name for a good three seconds.
Have you ever noticed that when you are unexpectedly asked for your name you usually say "Uhhh." With the the "uhh" you are basically saying "Good question sir, let me take a few seconds to mull over this question and I will get back to you post haste." I can't speak for you, but when I talk in my head I typically sound like a terrible background actor from Game Of Thrones. Cheerio! But because I realize how stupid I look when I can't remember my name I have devised a fool proof way of not only preventing me looking like an idiot, but also making the person asking me feel stupid.
"I'm Tom by the way, what's your name?"
"Uhh... Derek, aka the person who's house you are currently in?" Make sure to give him a look that says "dumbass"
Typically they respond along similiar lines of "Oh damn! I didn't know! My bad bro!"
Also don't be concerned with facts. As long as the guy/girl doesn't live at the house themselves this will work.
You're welcome.
As always if you want to tell me how stupid this way or that I suck leave a comment below or follow me on twitter @DeRexBowles where I will make your eyes bleed with my inner most thoughts and feelings.
Have you ever noticed that when you are unexpectedly asked for your name you usually say "Uhhh
"I'm Tom by the way, what's your name?"
"Uhh... Derek, aka the person who's house you are currently in?" Make sure to give him a look that says "dumbass"
Typically they respond along similiar lines of "Oh damn! I didn't know! My bad bro!"
Also don't be concerned with facts. As long as the guy/girl doesn't live at the house themselves this will work.
You're welcome.
As always if you want to tell me how stupid this way or that I suck leave a comment below or follow me on twitter @DeRexBowles where I will make your eyes bleed with my inner most thoughts and feelings.
May 22, 2013
Grocery Store
Without going in to details (which may be coming in another post later on) let's just say I have been without a debit card, and the only way I have to pay for things I need, such as groceries, have been checks. Because I'm not 80 years old I don't know if places accept checks or not, and because it's easier to go to the checkout and be told they don't accept checks and be told to put my things back than it is to ask beforehand; I decided to live on the edge and fill my cart up. I'm not one of those people, and you know who you are, that go down every isle with your little list so you don't forget anything. No I just pick up what's on sale and hope for the best. I've been to the store for paper towels 3 times this week and still don't have any paper towels.
So after pretending like I know what I'm looking for in meat, and loudly declaring "This meat is no good! Why the marbling in these steaks is horrible!" mind you, I was holding pork chops. Needless to say, my parents would be proud. I then proceeded to make laps around the same isles because I kept throwing stuff in and then thinking "I don't really want this" and "Actually I should get that" it was time to head to cashier and see if I could write a check.Wait, I'm getting ahead of myself. If you have a child and bring that child to the store and said child is crying it should be a law that anyone at the store can walk by that child and slap them in the face. Shit's ridiculous. Obviously I'm hungover and can't plan well which is why I'm at the store at 10 am on a Saturday ma'am. The least you can do is keep your living alarm clock from screaming in my face in a public place and if you can't I should have the right to slap him or her.
So I'm in line to check out, with a check. They start scanning items, and because I wasn't sure if they accepted checks I brought my gun. Kind of an important fact and looking back I should have probably started off with that. So they are scanning my items, and about half way through I ask them if I can write a check, when I am rudely interrupted by the 40 year old bag lady. "Do you want your milk in a bag?" to which I respond with "What kind of stupid question is that? Of course I want my motha fuckin milk in a motha fuckin bag ! I said plastic is fine bitch! I forgot my plus card can you please look it up?" which seems a bit excessive but you weren't there and she asked the question in a very "Fuck you and your milk" way. Clearly my response was warranted but they didn't see it that way and I was asked to leave and never come back.
Also some unrelated and related thoughts about groceries stores that I am too lazy to go back and insert into the story.
* It's always awkward when the bag lady asks if I want help out to my car. Mainly because I just stare at them for awhile and say, yes but can you hold on, I need to go buy some duct tape.
*Have you ever been shocked by the milk door? It's probably one of the most embarrassing things ever.
*Why is it that when ever you can't afford an item or items, they always ask you if you want the item. No I don't want the item, I just put it in my cart because I wanted to have everyone else in the store stare at me, and think "wow this guy is poor." They might as well just go on the loud speaker and say "We have a broke guy trying to buy food. Come to register 3 to point and laugh at him and make him feel like even more of a loser."
* You might notice some changes in the posts I put up. There will probably be a lot more shorter thoughts, and musings as opposed to lengthy posts.
*I still just write and then post it with no editing, if there isn't a red squiggly line then there's nothing wrong with it.
* And as always you can find me on Twitter @DeRexBowles where you can stay up to date with all my ramblings and tell me how much I suck.
So after pretending like I know what I'm looking for in meat, and loudly declaring "This meat is no good! Why the marbling in these steaks is horrible!" mind you, I was holding pork chops. Needless to say, my parents would be proud. I then proceeded to make laps around the same isles because I kept throwing stuff in and then thinking "I don't really want this" and "Actually I should get that" it was time to head to cashier and see if I could write a check.Wait, I'm getting ahead of myself. If you have a child and bring that child to the store and said child is crying it should be a law that anyone at the store can walk by that child and slap them in the face. Shit's ridiculous. Obviously I'm hungover and can't plan well which is why I'm at the store at 10 am on a Saturday ma'am. The least you can do is keep your living alarm clock from screaming in my face in a public place and if you can't I should have the right to slap him or her.
So I'm in line to check out, with a check. They start scanning items, and because I wasn't sure if they accepted checks I brought my gun. Kind of an important fact and looking back I should have probably started off with that. So they are scanning my items, and about half way through I ask them if I can write a check, when I am rudely interrupted by the 40 year old bag lady. "Do you want your milk in a bag?" to which I respond with "What kind of stupid question is that? Of course I want my motha fuckin milk in a motha fuckin bag ! I said plastic is fine bitch! I forgot my plus card can you please look it up?" which seems a bit excessive but you weren't there and she asked the question in a very "Fuck you and your milk" way. Clearly my response was warranted but they didn't see it that way and I was asked to leave and never come back.
Also some unrelated and related thoughts about groceries stores that I am too lazy to go back and insert into the story.
* It's always awkward when the bag lady asks if I want help out to my car. Mainly because I just stare at them for awhile and say, yes but can you hold on, I need to go buy some duct tape.
*Have you ever been shocked by the milk door? It's probably one of the most embarrassing things ever.
*Why is it that when ever you can't afford an item or items, they always ask you if you want the item. No I don't want the item, I just put it in my cart because I wanted to have everyone else in the store stare at me, and think "wow this guy is poor." They might as well just go on the loud speaker and say "We have a broke guy trying to buy food. Come to register 3 to point and laugh at him and make him feel like even more of a loser."
* You might notice some changes in the posts I put up. There will probably be a lot more shorter thoughts, and musings as opposed to lengthy posts.
*I still just write and then post it with no editing, if there isn't a red squiggly line then there's nothing wrong with it.
* And as always you can find me on Twitter @DeRexBowles where you can stay up to date with all my ramblings and tell me how much I suck.
Nightmares
Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night and been flooded with a bunch of memories from your life and think "Oh shit, I think I'm dying. This is it, my life is flashing before my eyes." It's kind of peaceful at first until you realize why you didn't care to remember these in the first place, and that's because they all remind you how fucking shitty your life has been. "Oh there's me eating some Cheetos I dropped on the floor, I bet they were at least 2 weeks old." "Oh yeah, I remember that one time I said I was going to get out of bed and be ambitious but decided to go back to sleep." It's fucking depressing. So I did what any American worth their salt would do, I repressed those memories and watched porn until I fell asleep. The way God intended it.
As always you can find me on Twitter @DeRexBowles where you can stay up to date with all my ramblings and tell me how much I suck.
As always you can find me on Twitter @DeRexBowles where you can stay up to date with all my ramblings and tell me how much I suck.
Crosswalk
The crosswalks around here have a button that you press and immediately these yellow lights start blinking to let drivers know, "Hey asshole, slow down I'm trying to cross the street." Usually when you hit this button, you pause to make sure that oncoming traffic stops, and you make eye contact with the driver and give a little wave to say "Thanks for not running me over and possibly killing me." You then go on way your way and this social interaction is over. The other day however, that did not happen. I'm driving home, and I see a guy walking down the side walk, is he going to try to cross the street? I can't tell, usually when you cross the street you check over your shoulder to see if there is a car coming. This guy did not do that. What did he do? He hit the button and walked across. He didn't stop to see if there was a car coming, he didn't wave, he didn't even look up. He just hit the button and decided to put his well being in the hands of a complete stranger. He has no idea what my mental state is. I could have been on my phone tweeting to my 16 followers about how I feel like chipotle has been going down hill or taking a selfie for instagram. But he didn't even look up. I could have just broken up with my girlfriend and been a rage and just said fuck it. Who does this guy think he is? I'm going to fucking run him over because I'm mentally unstable and I learned how to drive by playing grand theft auto, and I'm pretty sure this would only get me one star. Or maybe I'm just fucking crazy and this asshole is what sets me off into a murderous rampage. The cops would come and ask why I didn't stop and all I'd be able to say is "well he didn't fucking look up or wave."
Related note, if you don't press the button at all and you get hit it's your own fault. If you can't take the second to press the button you deserve to become roadkill and I shouldn't be responsible.
As always you can find me on Twitter @DeRexBowles where you can stay up to date with all my ramblings and tell me how much I suck.
Related note, if you don't press the button at all and you get hit it's your own fault. If you can't take the second to press the button you deserve to become roadkill and I shouldn't be responsible.
As always you can find me on Twitter @DeRexBowles where you can stay up to date with all my ramblings and tell me how much I suck.
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