Everyone knows that the homeless people menace has become a problem. You can't go anywhere without some one asking for food. If you are like me, you have no conscious and struggle on a daily basis with thoughts of just running them over. Well, I found the solution and it will do two things for you. One, it will make people think you care about the homeless. Secondly you will still be able to display your hatred for the homeless. Here's what you do.
1)Buy a jar of peanut butter.
2)Give the jar of peanut butter to a homeless person.
3)Make sure there are no beverages for the homeless person.
4)Smile.
Now you might be thinking to yourself, "Wow, that's fucked up." to which I will respond with "I know, it's great isn't it?"
5) Wait
This is when the games begin. How hungry is the homeless person? Hungry enough to eat peanut butter with no drink? How much will they eat before realizing it's impossible to eat a lot of peanut butter without something to drink. I don't know about you but I can eat two spoonfuls before I have to take a drink. And I don't mean two tiny little girly spoon fulls, I mean two man sized peanut butter falling off the spoon, peanut butter mountain spoonfuls. So the homeless person has a big decision to make. Either eat the peanut butter, not eat the peanut butter, or stab you with a dull rusty knife. Let the games begin!
Want to tell me how fucked up I am? Come at me (on twitter @DeRexBowles) bro! And remember, if you don't have anything nice to say don't say it all. Or post it in the comments below.
Jun 15, 2013
Jun 11, 2013
What if George R.R. Martin..
I'm a huge fan of the TV show Game of Thrones but the author of the books, George R.R. Martin is a real dick some times. Anyone who has two middle names is already probably a sick freak already, but GRRM takes it too new levels. Which is why I love him so much. Because I'm already going through withdrawals (don't tell me to read the books) I decided to imagine what GRRM would be like in other professions. This time, a doctor.
George R. R. Martin, M.D.
Scene:
A family gathers in the waiting room of a hospital. A man paces back and forth in front of his three children who can feel something is amiss but don't quite understand what is going on. An elder couple sit quietly grasping each others hands, a worrisome look on their face. Suddenly they see the doctor, Dr. George R. R. Martin. The pacing man stops and looks his way. The doctors face is emotionless.
"Please doctor! Is she going to be okay!" The man pleas.
The doctor takes a heavy breath and adjusts his glasses.
"Mr. Reynolds. The surgery was a success."
A wave of relief washes through the room. The old man brings his wife's hand to his lips and gives it a kiss. His eyes begin to tear up. The elder woman begins to cry, and buries her head into her husbands shoulder. These are tears of elation. The ordeal is over, their daughter alive. The children pick up on the emotion look confused first, but that turns into joy as they see their fathers morbid grimace fade and a smile appear. The smallest child, who looks to be about four begins to dance. Laughter erupts, the old couple on their feet now dancing with the young child. Today is a great day.
"Thank you doctor! When can we see her? When can I see my daughter!" The elder man asks gleefully.
".. Well there was a complication." The doctor says coldly.
The energy and joy of the room is suddenly replaced with a palpable tension. The young child still dancing, not picking up on what has just occurred continues to laugh. The young girl notices that her grandparents are no longer dancing, and looks around. Even though she doesn't understand the situation she can feel the tension herself and stops dancing.
"What.. What is it?!?" The husband squeals. His face back to a somber sadness.
"The surgery went fine, yes. But.."
"What!! Spit it out!!" The old man shrills.
"Well... I lit her on fire."
"What?!?!?!?!?!?" They yell in unison.
"Yes.. While she was recovering.. I set her on fire. She was burned alive. Quite terribly actually. You should have heard her screams. They were.." A sly smile creeps across his face "Wonderful."
The man becomes enraged, and tries to yell but words escape him. The old lady falls to the floor grasping her heart.
"Some one get a doctor! She's having a heart attack! She's all I got left!!" Terror fills his face. As he scans the room he notices no one is moving to help. "What are you all standing around for!! Some one help!"
The doctor makes his way to the woman. He bends down and checks her pulse.
"I'm afraid she's dead." The doctor mutters.
Tears begin to roll down the old mans face. The once happy family now distraught and full of chaos.
"There's more. Mr. Reynolds... You have throat cancer. You will probably die in a few weeks. We can't let you raise children in this condition either. So we have sold your children to a gold mine in Nigeria where they will most likely be raped, tortured, and starved. They might live, but I doubt it. You can only hope for them to have a swift death. But again, probably not. They will be worked to death and given just enough medical care to keep them alive enough to mine."
And that is George R. R. Martin as a doctor.
Let me know what you think on twitter @DeRexBowles and as always feel free to comment below.
George R. R. Martin, M.D.
Scene:
A family gathers in the waiting room of a hospital. A man paces back and forth in front of his three children who can feel something is amiss but don't quite understand what is going on. An elder couple sit quietly grasping each others hands, a worrisome look on their face. Suddenly they see the doctor, Dr. George R. R. Martin. The pacing man stops and looks his way. The doctors face is emotionless.
"Please doctor! Is she going to be okay!" The man pleas.
The doctor takes a heavy breath and adjusts his glasses.
"Mr. Reynolds. The surgery was a success."
A wave of relief washes through the room. The old man brings his wife's hand to his lips and gives it a kiss. His eyes begin to tear up. The elder woman begins to cry, and buries her head into her husbands shoulder. These are tears of elation. The ordeal is over, their daughter alive. The children pick up on the emotion look confused first, but that turns into joy as they see their fathers morbid grimace fade and a smile appear. The smallest child, who looks to be about four begins to dance. Laughter erupts, the old couple on their feet now dancing with the young child. Today is a great day.
"Thank you doctor! When can we see her? When can I see my daughter!" The elder man asks gleefully.
".. Well there was a complication." The doctor says coldly.
The energy and joy of the room is suddenly replaced with a palpable tension. The young child still dancing, not picking up on what has just occurred continues to laugh. The young girl notices that her grandparents are no longer dancing, and looks around. Even though she doesn't understand the situation she can feel the tension herself and stops dancing.
"What.. What is it?!?" The husband squeals. His face back to a somber sadness.
"The surgery went fine, yes. But.."
"What!! Spit it out!!" The old man shrills.
"Well... I lit her on fire."
"What?!?!?!?!?!?" They yell in unison.
"Yes.. While she was recovering.. I set her on fire. She was burned alive. Quite terribly actually. You should have heard her screams. They were.." A sly smile creeps across his face "Wonderful."
The man becomes enraged, and tries to yell but words escape him. The old lady falls to the floor grasping her heart.
"Some one get a doctor! She's having a heart attack! She's all I got left!!" Terror fills his face. As he scans the room he notices no one is moving to help. "What are you all standing around for!! Some one help!"
The doctor makes his way to the woman. He bends down and checks her pulse.
"I'm afraid she's dead." The doctor mutters.
Tears begin to roll down the old mans face. The once happy family now distraught and full of chaos.
"There's more. Mr. Reynolds... You have throat cancer. You will probably die in a few weeks. We can't let you raise children in this condition either. So we have sold your children to a gold mine in Nigeria where they will most likely be raped, tortured, and starved. They might live, but I doubt it. You can only hope for them to have a swift death. But again, probably not. They will be worked to death and given just enough medical care to keep them alive enough to mine."
And that is George R. R. Martin as a doctor.
Let me know what you think on twitter @DeRexBowles and as always feel free to comment below.
OMYSBW: Freaked (1993)
I will be revisiting a classic movie from my childhood today. Freaked. Before I go any further let me put the synopsis for you.
From Yahoo!Movies:
" A spoiled young actor of the Brat Pack generation signs on as the celebrity spokesman for Noxon, a gene-altering chemical fertilizer marketed only in Third World countries. During a subsequent junket to South America to promote the product, he falls into the hands of a mad alchemist who transforms the actor into hideous freak and places him on display in a carnival sideshow."
I know what you're thinking, and yes the movie IS as good as it sounds. I have always remembered this movie but could never remember the name of it. By mere coincidence the director Alex Winter, happened to be on one of the podcasts I listen to (The Nerdist) and the movie was mentioned. How lucky is that?!
So, go track down this movie and watch it! You most likely won't regret it.
From Yahoo!Movies:
" A spoiled young actor of the Brat Pack generation signs on as the celebrity spokesman for Noxon, a gene-altering chemical fertilizer marketed only in Third World countries. During a subsequent junket to South America to promote the product, he falls into the hands of a mad alchemist who transforms the actor into hideous freak and places him on display in a carnival sideshow."
I know what you're thinking, and yes the movie IS as good as it sounds. I have always remembered this movie but could never remember the name of it. By mere coincidence the director Alex Winter, happened to be on one of the podcasts I listen to (The Nerdist) and the movie was mentioned. How lucky is that?!
So, go track down this movie and watch it! You most likely won't regret it.
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